Suicide Notes
by Dream Dagger
Summary: Mello writes a series of suicide notes. Upon committing his suicide, Near just so happens to find them and writes back to him. MelloxNear. Enjoy :)
1. Chapter 1: Nobody Likes Me

Nobody likes me. I'm just a loser, a reject, a outcast. My only friend, Matt, won't even talk to me anymore. I am writing this because I am going to let everything out. Let me say it again, nobody likes me. Not now and not ever. I know exactly why though. Something stupid, pointless and just plain annoying. I am not normal. I never was, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it. You are probably wondering what the hell am I talking about, right? Well, I am going to tell you. Not because I want to but because I need to. I need to tell someone, something. Lets start at the beginning... 


	2. Chapter 2: Nate River

So shall we begin? It all started when I first arrived here. Wammy's House, an orphanage for "gifted" children. While I may be no Einstein, I'm still pretty smart. Perhaps too smart you could say. Upon being brought to Wammy's, I already had my goal set. Be the best that I can be and work to the best of my ability. I actually reached my goal until, he came. At first glance he may seem dimwitted and fragile but in fact he is the exact opposite. There was always something about him that made me envious. Something about the little albino child made me hate him. He never did anything to hurt me or anger me but, I despised that damn sheep boy. His name is Nate River.


	3. Chapter 3: He Loves Me? He Loves Me Not

You know what? How about you forget everything I just said. Let's talk about something more important, L. Let me ask you a simple question. Have you ever had your heart ripped out, stepped on, spat on, chewed up, bruised, cut open, and betrayed? Well, while you answer that allow me to tell you what happened to my heart. I was 10, maybe even 11 and news had spread that L was coming to visit us. Realizing that I was finally going to meet my idol I tried my very best to impress him. Not only was he the world's greatest detective but he was also the only person I had trusted and cared about. Even though I hadn't met him before I had the strangest feeling that i have known him all my life. I know how cliche that sounds but I'm telling the truth. Anyways, unlike all the other kids, besides Near and B, I was told that I could meet L. Upon hearing that my heart felt like it was going to self destruct. Not long after that the day finally came. The day that I wish I could forget and I still regret. Watari called me, Near, and Beyond into his office. He had explained to each of us that since we had the best behavior and grades, we could talk to L for a little longer than the other kids. Beyond looked as if he couldn't care less if he met L or not. He seemed angry with him for no apparent reason. Near stared blankly at Watari as he explained that since he was the youngest he could go first. I swear that kid is a damn robot sometimes. So he went to meet him while me and B waited. Beyond being older than me and Near had to go last. As if he cared anyway. After Near talked to him he seemed more human than robot. He actually hugged me. What the hell did L say to him that gave him the right hug me? Watari called me over to his office and told me I could talk to L. My heart fluttered like the wings of a lovesick butterfly. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do anything stupid to anger or disappoint L. When I walked into the room I saw a man sitting or rather crouching, on a chair in what appeared to be a rather uncomfortable position, and sucking his thumb. My heart fluttered even more as we made eye contact. He smiled as I got closer. "Hello Mello, it is a pleasure to meet you finally. I have heard such good things about you. And you are very smart which is very impressive considering the fact that you are only 10." L said. Why was the man so intriguing? This gorgeous raven eyed man. L. He regaled me stories about how he had solved many seemingly unsolvable cases. He was captivating my attention easily and I never wanted to leave him. With him I felt safe, I felt like I belonged and like I had a home. We awkwardly stared at each other for what seemed like ages until he finally asked me, "Mello, do you care about me?". I froze, not really understanding what he meant. Care like friendship or care like love. I couldn't reply and my muscles locked in place. L looked puzzled, but then he told me "You know what Mello? I know this is a confusing question to answer but I already know the answer. Mello, I know you probably haven't heard this in a while if you even heard this at all but, I really care about you. Mello, I love you." L's face had been stripped from color and he looked even more nervous than me. I finally gained the courage to reply to him. "L, I love you too." L started to blush and leaned forward. Only being 10 I had no idea what he was doing so I repeated it. I started to blush too. Then we kissed. I wasn't expecting this at all. In fact, I didn't really want this. No matter how much I love him I know I can never be with him, and that's the most painful part of all. After he pulled back he told me something that i will never forget. "Mello, I'm sorry but I didn't mean that." And with that he grabbed his suitcases and all his other belongings and left. There I was a heartbroken and lovesick 10 year old forced to be back with a harsh reality. "I knew it was too good to be true." I whispered while sobbing into my hands. Beyond came in and asked me what happened. I kept silent. I wasn't going to tell him, or anyone. With that he put me to sleep kissed my forehead and wished for me to have sweet dreams. I wasn't going to have sweet dreams. More like a harsh reminder of what could have been.


	4. Chapter 4: Friends Forever?

Now that you know the story of my first and most vicious heartbreak, how about I tell another tale? This one is about my 'best friend' Matt. I say this honestly, I hate him. Have you ever loved someone so much that you begin to hate that person? To dread their very existence on this planet? Well, let me tell you it isn't a very pleasant feeling. Now that I think about it maybe that is how Beyond felt about L. I recall being informed that I would be getting a roommate. Of course I was ecstatic about it, I had been by myself for about a year and a half and it was getting pretty boring. I wanted to befriend someone other than B and Near so I prepared myself. I can say that I have trust issues. I can't trust just anyone but I made the mistake of trusting Matt. When he came I couldn't imagine how he was let in Wammy's. His eyes fixated on a sky blue colored Game Boy. He had goggles wrapped around his neck, auburn-ish red hair and a innocent child-like smile. You may think he is sweet and kind, well lets just say he is the devil's son. The first time he caused me trouble was when I had accidently stepped on his Pokemon Fire Red game cartridge. I was looking for my chocolate, because God knows I can't live without it, and then I stepped on the damn thing. Who the hell leaves that on the floor anyway?! He came in and screamed at me. "What the hell Mello?! Why would you step on my damn game! They don't even sell those anymore!". My ears were ringing from his voice reverberating throughout the room. I couldn't control myself so I pushed him off of me. Biggest mistake ever. As he shook it off he lunged at me and aimed his fist-shaped hand at my face. **Smack. **He gave me a black eye and a bloody broken nose. By the time Roger came in I might as well have been dead. That damn old man, how do you not notice someone practically getting murdered. When Matt heard footsteps ascending from the stairs, he jumped off of me like a freaking ninja. I was frozen, paralyzed from fear. Never had I ever been so scared of someone in my whole life. His eyes were glistening with the desire to kill. I cannot recall anyone other Beyond having that much anger and frustration in their eyes. Roger was no damn help either. He stood in the doorway staring at my bloody nose. "Mello! Are you okay? What happened?". Roger asked. What now? You give a damn if I'm okay?! "Yes Roger. I am fine. I fell off my bed looking for my chocolate." I lied. I had a hard time swallowing that lie. It seemed that if I did tell him what really happened, Matt would kill me on the spot. So as he asked again if I was okay, I lied and sheepishly looked down. I'm ashamed of myself. I couldn't stand up for myself. If I told him, maybe Matt would have stopped. But of course I needed to learn the hard way. I have indeed learned my lesson. Never trust anyone. Not even your so called 'best friends'.


	5. Chapter 5: Hershey Kisses

Okay now that you know some of the most depressing things that have happened to me, why don't we talk about a happier time. I can only think of one time that I was genuinely happy. That was when I was about five. Near had first arrived here and he seemed even more lost than me. He was about two years younger than me and was smaller in size. I had always thought that was adorable about him. Near had to be the cutest thing alive, well at the time. Now he is quiet, shy and generally smart. Back then he didn't care if he was L's successor he only cared about Hershey Kisses. Yes, those midget chocolate things. I know that I'm the one who should care about chocolate but whenever I had some Hershey Kisses Near would beg me for some. I would refuse to give them up, seeing as those were the only chocolate that I could get my hands on, and he would pounce on me like some ninja cat and hiss and cry. Baby Near was so cute. Not even Roger, a heartless old man, could deny his cuteness. I gave Near the chocolate, because he was too adorable to say no to, and he thanked me and kissed me on the cheek. Yeah the damn kid kissed me. But not like L did. He did it out of pure innocence. A child, a cute baby, Near. It is pretty strange though. I find it disturbing that I can't remember anything happy besides my memories with Near. I have always hated him. I have always been jealous of that sheep child. I can't shake off the feeling that I might care about Near. There is something about that albino boy that intrigues me. Draws me in. Captivates me. Maybe its his superior intellect? Or his sense of justice? Or his gorgeous raven colored eyes? Whatever the reason may be, I now know for sure that I do care about him. Maybe even love him. That kid. The sheep. Nate River. Near.


	6. Chapter 6: Famous Last Words

So this is it.

My final tale to tell.

The last thing I want to say before I leave this living hell.

I want you to know.

That I don't want to go.

Without saying goodbye.

To everyone that may care.

I want you to know that I know it isn't fair.

For me to leave you so soon.

So with that I need you to know I love you.

Sincerely,

Mihael Keehl


	7. Chapter 7: I Miss You

**Near's POV**

It has been at least a year or so since I found out about Mello's death. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I know that he hates me but I can't help the fact that he is my only friend that I can trust with my life. Mello, you may be wondering why I am even writing this? I really do care about you. I may be emotionless but I know what love is. Let me explain what you meant to me. You were the best thing to ever come into my life. When I first arrived at Wammy's I was lost, clueless. I was confused about what would happen next. I didn't think that I could be happy without my family around but, you proved me wrong. I didn't need my family to be happy. I needed you. And I still do. Matt may have used and abused you in the past but that doesn't mean that you have to leave everyone who loves you. That may only be me but at least someone cares. I hope you know that I will not be the same without you around Mello. In fact, the moment I learned you committed suicide my heart collapsed. I couldn't handle the fact that you were gone. Mello, I know you went through many terrible things in your life, and I wish I could have been there to help. Mello all you needed to do was talk to me. I could have stopped this. I never wanted to see you die so soon and I regret anything I could have ever done to hurt you. When you decided to kill yourself did you think of how much this would effect everyone else? Even Matt is mourning your death. But me, I'm the most heartbroken of all. I thought you were better than this. Just because you have a bad life doesn't mean you should end it yourself. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mello, I love you and miss you.


	8. Chapter 8: Love is Eternal

**Mello's POV**

****Near I'm sorry.

I didn't think you cared.

I didn't think twice about hanging myself.

Above those stairs.

Now that I think about it I don't understand.

Our friendship didn't go as planned.

It turned into a heart-warming love.

A love that made me sore, weak and blue.

Now I am sure that I do love you.


	9. Chapter 9: Can You Ever Forgive Me?

**Matt's POV**

****Mello I am so sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Beating you and hurting you.

I didn't think you took it that bad.

I wish I could repay you in someway.

I am so ashamed.

I was blinded by my anger.

So please frown upon me.

Mello, can you ever forgive me?


	10. Chapter 10: Brother I Never Had

**Beyond's POV**

****Mello, I knew you were a little crazy but seriously? What the hell did you kill yourself for? I get that you handle pain differently than me but do you really think that leaving everyone so soon is gonna help anyone? It doesn't make anything better. It makes it worse. Your death makes me feel terrible about myself. I'm supposed to be a close friend of yours. Why didn't you tell me anything. If you can't confide in me you could have told Near. He loves you man. I feel like complete crap right now. I'm losing my mind all over again. I couldn't stop you or A's suicide. Mello, do you realize how much you impacted us? What you didn't realize is that even the little things you did, like bitch to Near about how you wanted to leave Wammy's so bad, even the fights between us will be dearly missed. I understand how hard it is to feel neglected and unloved because of the fact that you are an orphan, but that doesn't mean you weren't loved. It may have seemed that way but in a way we all love you. Believe it or not even L misses you. Yeah I know about what happened years ago. I get that you were betrayed by your idol but sometimes you have to forgive and forget. I love you Mello. I will miss you. You are like a little brother that I never had.


	11. Chapter 12: Sugar Cube

**L's POV**

****Wow. Just wow. Mello is gone. I can't begin to comprehend what he was thinking. I don't usually care about these things but, Mello. He was different. I saw potential in him when I first heard of his arrival at Wammy's. He had so much love and he just threw it all away. Like the sun you were so bright. Like a sugar cube, you were so sweet. Mello I may have screwed up all those years ago but I do regret it. I probably am one of the reasons you died. Still, that doesn't mean you use that as a excuse to end your life. I think I may be responsible for your perception of the world. There is more to life than life and death. You should look for the positive side in everything. Or else your not living. Your living in a shell Mello. You need to open up and live. Well, I guess its too late now. I am ashamed of you. Well, I guess I'll see you in hell Mello.


End file.
